Cubone - The Gambling Historian!

Of all gods, gifts, that you have been given, I feel the greatest, is the ability to breath, from the moment that you get that slap on your arse, by some beautiful, mid wife, or like a friend of mine by a taxi driver, on the M1 Lidyatte Ash Service station, if you are fortunate, you will inhale lovely clear air, throughout your allotted 3 score and ten years,
In my case, I am now past my allotted time and using up time that some unfortunate, individual. was short changed of.
Have I been grateful,? no I cant say I have been,
From day one I have abused that wonderful gift , in many ways, usually by over eating, stretching my internal organs.
Could it have been the lack of food, in the early few years, or to put it blindly could it be that I am just one great fat slob.
I certainly wasn’t fat when born I was fit, slim, and roaring from the the off, breast fed, I was warm clean, and always smelt like a baby. should smell old milk.
the first hint that I had of impending trouble, was when at the age of 4 I decided to swallow, a full pine apple ring, without even one bite.
My dear mother, dropped me on the kitchen floor in panic, and ran out of the house, screaming.
I can only assume that in the great scheme of things someone had better plans for me than to choke at that moment, so who would my mother bump into within 50 yards from the front door, but a 6ft Irish, Nurse on her way home from, a 14 hour shift.
Within a moment she had me hanging upside down, like a xmas eve chicken on display at the corner shop.
The right upper cut from nurse Flanagan would have done Jersey Joe Walcott, the united states boxing champion, proud, out came the pine apple ring, ice cream and all. allowing that wonderful function of breathing to continue for another 70 years.
That was an important lesson one that I never forgot because ever since I chew my food, the required amount of time, looking for bones in all hidden places from fish supper,to chicken kiev I would check, for danger.
One such incident occurred again, however but that I assume was a plant, unexpectedly my loving father had placed a brand new threepenny bit, hidden in a large portion of xmas pud. fortunately though, my wind pipe was wide enough to take a chicken leg, never mind a coin of the realm.
Every day that passed I made sure that my breathing was spot on, running to school. and back kicking anything that moved along from tin can, to a small ball.
I always knew that I was a sprinter from my very first school sports day, I realized that 60 yards, was the maximum, distance I could run, flat out even when playing my beloved sport of soccer, I was what my father described as an opportunist, ignoring the fact that I was a very fast, center forward,
After that surge and shot at goal, i used to hide for 5 minutes, getting my breath back again, but I thought that was what every center forward did,never at any time did I think I may have a problem, if I ever needed to run for a bus, that was 200 yards away I would catch the next.so what was wrong with that.
Even when playing cricket I was either out first ball or got a quick 30 all boundary,s with no need to run.
One day when I was in my teens, I was in a night club, drinking with my great friend, a Jewish boy the same age, in came two students, from the local university, you could see by there complexion and shape they were sports blues. we struck up in conversation, .although it may have been the two lovely girls they had with them that was the attraction and not the square rout of 58.
Before long, my little pal was challenging the biggest of the two to a running race not for himself but against me, I had become known as a great sprinter, amongst late night drinkers.
The laugh when 100 yards was mentioned more in derision than anything else, I was being sucked into a race well out of my comfort zone.
A walk to the toilet I noticed that it was raining cats and dogs, outside, on my return, I thought the last thing I wanted to do was run against the midland cross country champ at anything over 85 yards.
Come on then my friend remarked put your money were your mouth is,
He was the only child of a very wealthy business man, who like all Jewish fathers, well certainly the ones I knew, spoilt there children rotten.
Come on then he continued £10. winner take all.
This certainly impressed the two girls, and that was his plan.all along.
We were both surprised when the two sports men, rummaged in there pockets and produced there stake.
My friend pulled me towards him, with a smile that I understood at once. ok I said, and proceeded to take off my coat, role up my trousers, and walk towards the front door of the club.
How far, the runners friend inquired,
How about to the school and back, before I had time to gulp. Master Rubin, gave me a wink that was sufficient, for me to understand the plan without him having to spell it out on black board.
As soon as the chosen one took his coat off, even at 85 yards I would have been an outsider of two.
His legs, had more muscles than a trawler-mans fish supper.
As the door opened, both the girls ran back inside squealing and giggling, come on girls you get out of the wet and get yourself a fresh drink. the cunning little Yidish had two plans going at once.
My friend will give you 1 minute start, no dont bother with any start the student was full of confidence.
Talking to the runners backer, he told him to follow the runners to see that there is no cheating. make sure that the full distance to the gates and back.
As the door of the club was opened we were away,, the lad was off like the proverbial scalded cat, followed by his friend dashing between thunder claps, to get his car, to act as referee,
I was pulling my trouser legs down before he disappeared round the corner and up the bristol; road..
My friend plucked the £20 stake out of his pocket and declared the student as the winner.
It was over 45 minutes before both students arrived back wet through. the runner would not have blown out a candle.he was not even breathing heavily.
The £10 loss was sufficent to allow us both the time to arrange a day out alone with the girls,at some later date, some late night supper, perhaps, a smack and tickle. a Birmingham saying for fun and games but not the sort, the students appeared to excel at.
My breathing still was never put to the test. at all times, I realized that all you required was to breath in and out, to live and I was more than grateful just for that.
I cant say that at the time in Birmingham the general consumption of the air around me was dirty smog in the winter every were, we had pea soups, it was impossible to see more than your hand in front of you. that’s something that you today can never imagine, just think, you are walking out side and it was impossible to see any car,
closer than 5 inch in front.of you.
Even at home it appeared that the fog was in the kitchen both parents were smokers, so that the unknown problem of passive smoking never raised.its ugly head.
Unfortunately for both my mother and father, they could never do a great deal of harm, to me as they both died at very young ages, from smoking related disease.
Never at any time had cigarette smoke, been inhaled into my pure lungs, although working in 1960 betting Shops not the greatest environment.
In 1975 the occupation of of Betting Office manager was given up in exchange to the same game but the outside, fresh air, type,come rain wind and snow. it was great, sometimes I felt like a deep sea fisherman, I remember a period when I had to hold my racing umbrella with one hand and the other to take bets, but it was still a delight. to be there.
I don’t remember ever having a sniffle up to the age of 60. when I was pursueded to take a flue jab, that year I had my first bout of flue.
5 years ago, I started to find it difficult to breath late at night, mostly in the winter, several visits to my GP. who did not find any problem.
one morning I had a panic attack that reminded me of the day I had the half of a pine apple down my throat.
I dashed to the doctors, and although I had been given a special appointment I sat out side his door fighting for breath as the door opened he called out someones name not mine I could take it no more diving past the next in line I fell to the floor, within 1 minute the doctor had a tube in my arm, and an ambulance outside the front door.
For the next 5 days I had every single test, known to man or beast, conducted.
They tested every part of my body, and came up with
“You are Asthmatic”
Asthmatic I thought they must be joking accept for the 1 round I had with Nurse Flanagan, I have never had a problem, until now, I told him I was a sports lover who played soccer until I was in my 40s. once being picked in front of Alex Harley. the Scottish International. and Manchester City/Birmingham city center forward, for the final of some Sunday soccer team.
No Said the Specialist, “You have always been an asthma sufferer.
But I have never suffered with breathing I stated,, “yes that is possible,”
But your body has never been taxed past your capacity, I bet you never ran a marathon.
So as I sit here with my Tortoise for company. both of us, taking small little breaths, I ponder the future, at least I have an inhaler, he doesnt,but then again, he sleeps from November the 1st until March the 31st. every year, I couldn’t do that missing Cheltenham.
The only people who will be happy with my announcement are Ladbrokes the largest bookmaker in the World, when they look in there anti post book they will see, a £50 bet for me to reach the year 2037. at the fine odds of 500/1 at one time the price had shortened to 125/1 but I had noticed a steady drift back to 500. over the last few years I cant be accept that they have my doctor straightened.

Ho well like my grand father once told me “every one is at it bar the postman”

Night God Bless,

Cubone

lata night,