Cubone - The Gambling Historian!

Crockford the son of a Fish Monger. had ruled the London gambling scene for year his gambling wars with Ex Puglist, John Gully notorious, between them they had dominated gambling on horses all through the period, although Crockford had moved on to become the greatest Gambler of the time when firstly inventing combination bets and then opening up the Casino of that name.

He never forgive Gully for stopping his horse winning a big Handicap. when the sensistive colt backed down from a large price was messed about so badly by the runners owned by Gully that it lost any chance at the start.

Crockford was some very shrewed opporator. but also bore a grudge that was to last him, all his life His Gambling Casino was in St James Street, a meeca for all of the aristocracy.
Although he was very ill it hadnt stopped him going for one almighty last gamble in the Big Double Derby and Oaks, of that year.
Many of the bets at large prices had found themselve in Gullys odd, and there was very little he could do as both horses Ratan for the Blue Ribbond and Princess in the fillies equivilant.had now shortened.to favourites

I do not wish to state that the Yorkshire Boxer who had won the Britsh Heavy Weight Championship. only a short time after leaving the Debtors prison was involved in the doping of Ratan although history confirms that the poison had little affect. but to make sure however Ratons Jockey was promised a large back hander to make sure.
When Crockford was told he died on the spot.
A war allert made up of his buisness partners, had one more ace, to get there own back on Gully, for Crockfords Filly had also been backed in singles, in the Oaks and many of the wagers at large prices also held by the enermy.
On the day of the race, a carrier pidgeon was taken in a little box. and after Princess strolled home in the Fillys Classic was let loose arriving at St James, within hours.
The second part of the plan was then put into opperation.
Placing Crockfords body in the casino window, seat. all passing racegoers, were seen to be shouting there congratulations and Crockford was responding accordingly.

The next morning the Death of Crockford was anounced, with his doctor confirming that the death occured a few hours after the exitment of knowing his filly had won the big race.
On the Monday all Bookmakers including a stunned Gully arrived at Tattersalls to conduct buisness. ad pay and draw.

A few years afterwards the tale came out and advanced the Boxers, age a little, resulting some will say in his unhappy death.although he was a very old age.

Cubone

Life has not changed one iota since dinosaurs roamed the earth, in prehsitoric days, in fact it was propably much easier. to servive.
You would sit there in some cave, no rent. no morgages, never a day passed were you had to worry about global warming and the nead to mow the lawn. it wsa I expect the Ice Age.

The news papers hadnt yet arrived with there headlines that scare the life out of the kids.
“a Mouse found in a mars Bar”
“Learn to swim or you will all be drowned by Autum.” in fact it must have been a great time, no money. if you were cold you just poped out and battered some Wolly Mamouth.
Any nagging from the wife and she knew what to expect. and no ear muffs would save her from personal extinchion.

Kids all over the place no body worried about Birth control a nest of Arisinotherium, in the cave next door, kept the Kids numbers down in fact. they disapeared on there way from school at a great rate.
The walls between each cave so thick, you didnt nead a Hips. the nabours never knew what you were up to. so no one ever come copper, if you were found to have had a carpet fitter in the cave for a week, and you were wall to wall. in tiger skin.rugs.

As for food, you just popped out to the equivilant super market, and hanging from there wall were 2 tone chickens. called Phororhacas. I dare to think what the size of the sprouts were.

Woe betide anyone who sold you Dodgy Insurance, or promised to come back and repair the crazy paving. infront of the cave, and in fact any one knocking at the door, asking if the home owner was in, could be gauranteed, an unhealthy responce.

So whats life like now compared, if you forget all the wars, we have endured, people born like stalin, hitler, pol pot, Adi Amin, Ho Chi Min, to name a few life has been great.

As soon as we became civalised we were in trouble take the chickens for a start. ever since some Army Captain covered em in gravy. and bred them to have 5 legs, I will never know how, they became no biger than a shadow of the past. things have deteriated.

The shit in the cave just added a little colour no nead to vacume the floor every morning. just kick a Elotherium dropping into the corner.were there was a draft.
So whats it like now.
Every year now the kids have to have a new school uniform. and who ever invented a cap. dont do any good dont keep your eares warm. and I estmate more caps are lost per year than virginites.

Compare the cave dwellers with the bread winners of today, today if they wake up sober. before, 11.0 you have a mirrical worker. in the house.
Every one now has a disabled badge, now that would have done you a power of good, pre rafalight.

“How many fat people have disabled parking rights, is amazing. we are a country of short distance limpers, in fact the Parapligic Olympics , should have a new event a bit like Hop Skip and Jump. but it chould be Limp Sprint and Sit, in the Pub for an hour. the Train watchers of the 40s, have been replaced with people who love to stare at you, if you have a stick, in fact thats an idea, I bet the greatest invention, in history is the walking stick.
Crutches now thats a different class, only a realy dedicated. scrounger.would use a crutch.
But back to the start of time, how long would it have been before Morrie went out and sold something to someone that he dindt nead. broke after a day. and left no after sales number.to complain.
In fact when did the new breed of inventors, arrive selling the home owner. usless gadgets.How long. into the new ages, did the first super salesman arrive, no sitter round the house waiting for a Giro. this was the first go out and getter.or get up and goer.

Through History there have been some greats, and would have been similar. to the ones prehistoric who you could garantee bringing home some thing for the Kids at Christmas.

I always wondered who was given the task to sell. things that we know are crap.

I beleave that one day some brilliant thinker had a contest, prob in the “SUN” to see who could sell, vile smelling droppings from that Elotherium. he mixed a little bone marrow from an 18 foot,chicken leg and by saying it gave you the horne, there were ques all round his cave.for the recipes.

But it wasnt until he sold a Book on how to do it that the first $millionare are was Born

This was followed by who ever sold Oysters, now they are the vilest smelling little turd in the history, of life.

They are in there own little shell. stay alive, when eaton. and carry on devouring all the other shit in your gut. for weeks, but afradisiacs they aint.
After he had sold tones of these smellies they must have given the salesman, tonnes of Caviare, now who has ever liked Caviare on a 1/4 inch buiscet, also smells and is no different than fresh roe, but not so tasty, one they give away at a modern fish shop the other is sold off solid gold spoons.for fortunes.

There is a saying “If you cant do anything yourself write a book about it”

I will never forget the guy who sold the greatest, Dietery Book in History. who was 25 Stone when he died. run over dashing to his local. MacDondalds.
Why are so many people fat, I held a barbique at my home and an old auntie got up for her ussual family after dinner speach.
“I think it is a disgrace how all the chirldren are so fat”

I walked to my library and produced a genioligy report,of the family since 1700, just looking at the foreberes occupations, convinced me why there was no fatties. I had to say. great great grandmother Brana. and her mother Bridget. were not very fat. every one of her 14 Children were in fact all slim.
“How do you know that for a fact” she squealed.
Well they all died during the 1840s, and I bet not one of them was fat.
“You do talk some rubish at times, Cubone show me some evidence that they were all slim”.

Well they did live during the Potato Famine.and records show there were very few fat people arrround in there village..

So if we are a family of idle non producers, what can we pass on to our Kids by way of advice on how to servive when starving.

a. have a moody accident and a claim injury. 100% for you and 200% for the legal advisor.

No thats just to easy. show a little class Son. it is a scandle to allow you Kids to starve when you can get up and go. do what those prehistorice cave men, did go out and come back with some food.
Without breaking one law.that is.

Funerals are great to dine.out just get a dark suit from a charity shop. and arrive at anyones,Wake must be over 70 though. no one knows every body there. there will be sandwiches all over the place. but if you have a little style. and say you knew the deceased at school or played soccer with the old gent. in fact if you see a regimental badge on his, memorial. it is worth a £10 if you mention the time you both escaped from Stalag Ruft 3.
No request for a few sandwiches to take home because you have an injury from the same War, will be refused.

But then no real gentelman would stoop to such a scanderous excersize and if you did, beware, that the old Soldier. called Bill that you played soccer with, in the 30s, wasnt in fact Bernadette, before his nip and tuck.

So what have we learned what can we pass on to our Chirdren.to save them from the 21st centry poor house.

Is Computor literacy the way, yes if you want to spend 8 hours a day watching him play Contact games.

Teach him a launguge, Chiness a must, may be a lttle confusing confucious say, but, any English/Chiness speaker will never starve for the foreseeable future. never mind about Computor experts, there are 200 outside PC World waiting for the next £150 a week vacancy.
If the lad shows a little ambition,. teach him to build a Punch and Judy Set, and entertain Chirldrens parties, as long as he dont advertise, or let Punch do what the cave Dweller did to his wife. Judy in the past.

I personally would teach him to be a salesman, and how better to start doing something that no one has ever achieved and that is to sell the one thing that through history, has never been saleable.not even with a little Sugar.

“Dog Shit”

Cubone

i thought that I would keep this to myself I cant say how embarrassed I was to be woken up, in the middle of the night by team of policemen with Stun guns at the ready my wife was away and there was just me and Tillie my lovly 12 month old Staffordshire she was bred to only lick childrens faces so were was her great grandmother who killed two Hereford Bulls in 1940 because they mood at her.,
They pushed past, and had me on the floor within seconds. all I remember was the shout ;
and blue flashing lights
Is that you Cubone. reminded me of the day they caught the Great Train Robbers.and it was shown on TV.

Im not absoluty sure but the sarguent looked very much like Andrew Black of Betfair, I pinched myself. perhaps he was after the £300 I won when I layed Tiger Woods to win the American Open as they were putting the green coat on him, only to find the bet was for the British Open 8 weeks to go.

Have the £300 I shouted, I will never do it again I was petrified.I sorry Andrew.
Having been brought up in the slums of Brum with an Irish. Drunk one side and a retired Pimp the other, you would have thought nothing would have scared me however this was a night mare.

It reminded me of the day a pal of mine was raided by the police. and when they surched under his bed they found a Blow Up Doll reddy for action.
;Leave her Alone he shouted she knows nothing about it

The hand cuffs were on within, a moment, the good guy still a Black look a Like. introduced himself as Inspector.

Lucky enough they had realised that even a Lovely Staff could be dangerous in the wrong hands and a Pretty Women Constable had emptied my fridge of chocklate and the Dog had followed her into the garden.

Right Cubone this is a very serious Charge,

Im sorry Inspector I will never play on Golf Again.

This is not a funny matter, Cubone. you realise that you could be banned for life if found guilty.

What from BETDAQ as well.

They demanded that I open up my computor and turn to the FORUM,

After a little browsing they had the evidence. right in front of there Eyes,
GOT IT SARGE.
The ufore was similar I guess to when they caught the Yorkshire Ripper.

Right Bring the evidence and we will go back to the Office. still handcuffed I was placed in a Black Maria, after my one good eye cleared from the mustard gas. I could see that I was not on my own,
The short jeorney to Winsone Green, not to my ussual taist, but at least I was better off than the other inmate, I have never been in trouble before since the 1960s when a Purple Heart taken to improve my premature ejackulation had back fired, and I tried to mount a Police Horse at a Birmingham/ Villa derby.

This man had been interagated, and all he was saying was.
I wont bet on a Photo Finish Again Sir I promise and Im happy when the Site Goes down it Gives me chance to Shop"

I was draged into a forecourt and then a Holding room. right Cubone down with your trousers,
Ho no not that, Sarge what are you after,
Well at least he had a scence of Humour when he replied a Mouse
My mind was racing if they were going to give me a Body Surch, I hoped that the person in charge had seen some serious hemeroids before.

Nothing in there there Sarge came the call. I dont no what they expeceted but I have had a flloor safe for years.
Right then put him in cell Block H. until the morning. I thought I will have a lot to tell the wife when I get out she loved that program.

In the Cell were two absolute nut cases when I mentioned that I liked to Gamble.the one told me he knew were a Derby Winner was berried.
The other was very religeos. and kept asking if he could Christian me.
I was on the top shelf of the Bunk Bed, at least. I could jump if nead be,

All night I kept saying over and over this is a Betfair Raid for certain. I had heard about what happened to Gamble a Forum Levethian. he told a funny poem one day mentioning a ;Exchange Tax ; and was never seen again.and that was in 2003

It then dawned on me, for over 3 years I had been followed arround the Forum by a Stalker. he had abused, me at every turn. it must be something to do with him.

I racked my brain. yes thats it I had called him a @@@@
No chance of a Warning, then. and yet they wont ignore objections. in there payout. I then found out the person I was perported to have abused was a 2% er. my destiny was sealed.

The next day I was taken to Battersea, at first though it was to cllect Tillie. but no it was to read me the riot act.

One more indescretion Cubone and you will be sent to Carsyle. as it happens that was one of my best pitches Racecourse Pitches, and allways clashed with the Ayr Gold Cup.

I found it was an attempt to make friends with me. as they knew that Coventry was only just over the road.

I signed an 18 page decleration never ever to swear again on the Forum, not even using @s. and that is were it stands at the moment. not a happy experiance. and the only time I have telephoned the Call Centre since was to query a problem I was having with a Debit Card the persons voice sounded very much like the policeman who carried out the Body Serch.

I dont think I will be telephoning again. this year at least. Ive learned my leason though and any amount of Stalking gets No further responce. other than Goodnight Sir.

Cubone

I have just woken it is 5.0 and looking outside, the bedroom window, I wish I had spent more time at swimming leasons when a lad. or even at Woodwork, how I would build an Ark . I woudnt know how to start. and in fact I wonder what on earth I was good at as a lad.

Art, well that was better than most. I was fasinated, in my junior school. with how I could mix, a little paint to get what I think was called secondry colours.,
I will never forget, mixing Blue and Yellow to get Purple. then Red and Yellow for an Orrange.
For a day or two I felt I was a budding Piccasso but better looking. I had cracked, it never mind, spelling every body could do that.and anyway who ever got money spelling correctly. other than those 3 Brothers Dik,saun and Ary. Dicksunary .
No I was off in the big world. I realised that to hit the jackpot, you can succeed by being a Primary Second picking other people brains an art.
At every moment, you are a little paint pot away from a jackpot.
However it was then that my Art Teacher spoilt every thing by telling me that from just 3 colours, you could get 16 million.
I wished I had never mentioned my find.why I couldnt I keep my little secret, I will never no.but then again I was always quick on passing information on to those who didnt know what to do with it anyway I was an up mand comming Blabermouth.

I am sure that Weelbarrow Patterson wished he hadnt been born a Blabermouth, as he walked into the field that surounded his farm house, it was 1860s there had been a storm, he noticed what were large pieces of coloured stones, all over the field, every one a Gold Nuggett as big as your fist.
What did he do, he ran all the way to the nearest Pub and shouted “Im Rich behond my Wildest Dream” so started the South African Gold Rush and within 3 months there were 4000 tents outside his gate.
In fact Patterson would have had his own “Facebook” on the internet if arround today “Blabber mouthes are US ” . or write a book, “How I found Gold and Ended up potless”
I have always wondered why every one is good at heart and as soon as they find an edge or a big chance in life they go out and tell someone who cocks it all up..
I beleave that every one gets at least two chances to change the world, or certainly there own destinty. but I also beleave that all primary, Finders, pass the gold onto to secondary. no hopers.

Gambling is well known for Blabermouths, no one can keep a secret, in Gamblings History the man that broke the bank at Monte Carlo. sat in front of a Roulette Wheel and noticed it was out of line and had to tell his brother in law. that was Ok as long as he fancied the mans sister.

The greatest card counter, wrote a Book about it,.WHY.

Why cant any one keep a secret, One day a pal of mine found a way to get himself £100 a day in the place markets on Betfair, at the time he was out of work. and although he had been given the keys to a small vault. he was a blabermouth.
When he mentioned to me that he had told every one on the betting forum, I laughed my head off.
The next day he said you wont beleave it I cant make that pay any more there are hundreds doing the same . he was just a little player who wanted to be not only a winner but seen to be, in fact I didnt know but all he wanted was to be liked, and loved, by all, not an easy thing to hope for on a betting forum, when after a bad run the Forum gave him some dispicable stick it was to much for him.
He took all his form books drove to central Birmingham went to the 21st floor of Rachams, and slung them all off the top, scattering a fireman and a part time copper in the process, it took him 3 years to pay the fine.

So as I sit here in my garden. under a 6ft Umbrellow, last used at Bangor, I cant take my eyes off my tortoise TIMMIE. we have had him for 35 years, all he does is eat dandilions, a dozen strawberries a year, asks to be placed in his cardboard box, every november and knocks to come out in april.

I have always wondered if they understand, what we are up to, I remember he went into his box, a little early one year, and I never understood, if it was because of the results that week or the on coming winter the second worst in history.
Whilst discussing Timmie, one year my youngest son, at the age of 7 had noticed on TV they were looking for World records anything zanie would do,
So he asked if he could borrow my stop watch from my sprinting days, and then I heard a chear from the other Son who had recorded Timmie breaking the world record for a tourtois, over 50 yards. the fact that he was taped to his new skate Board didnt seem to worry him, he went to bed early that year, as for the boys they both went to bed, early for weeks lying on there stomocks. letting the wind cool there back sides.

Whilst on the subject of Blabermouths, the saying in racing, that those that know dont tell and those that dont know are tipsters. has a good ring to it,
I have always been fasinated by the war between Bookmakers and Punters, in the 1800s how on earth a punter ever won I dont know, if he had a bet on the Chaster Cup he had to wait a day, for one of three Pedgeons to arrive with the results,
Let loose at 5.0 they would be on there way to Hyde Park Corner. trying to miss any farmers over Oxford looking for a tasty dinner of pie and chips, and the result of the Big Race.

An early day Villan, who shot em all down, placing his own thoughts as to the result in the little pouches of a well trained Crow. dindt I am afraid to report, succeed.
This was followed by those little Ticker Tape Machines, seen on the Titanic. not a good advert one may say.then we had the BLOWER called that because before you could speak into the contraption you had to Blow. to clear the air ways.
I was lucky I never arrived on the scene until the nearly 50s, our local newspaper the the Birmingham Evening Mail produced its stop press, with the results, there for us to viuw. during an afternoon, you would have to buy 4 papers rto see if your yankee had succeeded or as ussual. to find out if you had done your goolies.
This was the period when I was a Bookies Runner, it was my job to stand on the street corner or up an entry, placing all the little bets, in my Bag. it was a worry, that if I got caught the Bookmaker who I worked for would be fined, a considerable amount based on the amount taken, we had one good punter who layed out £10 that was a tremendous amount in early 1950. so it was my instructions to make sure that if Saurgent O Flanigan the bane of my life. caught me, I was to destroy the big bet at least.
I am not sure if the Bookie was some Maffia fan, because he got some paper that tasted a bit like sugar. and the punter was told to use this to write his bets on and I was to eat the bets if confronted.
One day, I was that Hungry I had eaten, 3 doubles and a treble before the first race.

The Copper who could never catch me, as I was Sprint Champion, of the school.was an ex athalete, himself, prob at the Javelin, all I remember he could clatter the back of my knees from 50 yards.with his night stick.
This was followed by betting shops and a little black Tanoi system on the wall. I will never forget a crowd of about 20 all listening to the comentry, every race was a humdinger, they seemed to pass the post all together every runner getting a mention.
And after the race the fathers and grand fathers of those who write into the Betfair Forum, today had a field day. Shouting at the Box, “Were has he been on that one.”
make a note of that one George never tried an inch”

So nothing has changed, we are all Blabermouths, and blame jockeys for every thing even Global Warming.

As for Timmie I am going to pamper him with his 2nd Strawberrie of the year. and me my 3rd Sherrie of the Day.

If I had know that me and Timmie would be sitting here on our own, under a real cane Unbrellow that saw Hattons Grace win the Champion Hurdle for the 3dt time in a row.
trying to remember what to take next of the 8 tablets, neaded.to suervive. I think we would have both, committed Hari Kari during the Flower power days, of the 60s,

But then no I will alseway be able to get Tim some Dandyloans from some were.

Cubone.

I have just got up. following another night of coughing and spluttering, winking through my one good eye at the Betfair Pages, looking for a £10 Arb that 100,000 fellow surfers may have missed.
Then the phone rings, it cant be a pall from the Birmingham Market, with Pricewise. unless its Saturday, I will have to check what day it is, I hate phone calls in the middle of the night, used to be some Bird that I had promissed to see and let down. I better also check the year,
Could be Ladbrokes telling me that because my latest medical report has stated that my ashma is under control my £5 at 100/1 reaching 100 is now nul and void.

HELO SONt; I cant miss that voice, always sounds like he is down in the dumps when I know he has never been so well. What are you doing Cubone.
As it happens Gaz I have been sitting on the Karzie for 2 hours, trying to do something that as a lad. came natuarally.
What you doing phoning me at this time dont tell me Detorie has rode another 7 Winners.

"Thats not Funny Cu"
Come on Garry dont ever lose your scence of humour, in fact thats the thing, thats spoiling a great game. there was a time when "you could call a Jockey a Prat" and receive another tip.the next day.
Garry Wilshire is one of the Games, best Bookies, having servived his Frankie Scare, and never lost that smile.

"Listen to this Cubone you are famous"
The word famous made me sweat,
I once remember an old Bookie from the 40s telling me one day
Prison always follows Fame.

Realising that Garry woudnt be phoning me, for one of his well known, pranks so early. it must be fact.

Yes Cu, you are in the Racing Post. I had to pinch my self perhaps. I had died and come back as a piece of haddock., or had Graham Green the great, Post. Feature Writer mentioned my passing, in the obitury. "No more music from a great Fiddler"

No Son (Only in Birmingham can a 55 year old call a 71 year old Son)
Its on Page 20.
"Tales of oppinions, Humour, a sharp eye, it can all be found at Cubones,s Blog"
Thats amazing. Garry.
Who wrote it
ALEX HANKIN. its a great Gee Up. although he calls you idiosyncratic,
Well If I had tried words like that at school my only good eye would have gone at the same time as Devon Loch.

I spent half hour then talking about how bad the racing game had gone before I was left to pull the chain.
What a change in fortune, you know you are in trouble if you look down the toilet to see what you have done after finishing your ablutions.

Well thats Kind of Alex I thought, even the wife was impressed. although she still miss,s Ascot, were I could take £1000 on the colour of the Queens, Drawers
Sorry Mam HAT. as for Mr Hankin I cant say that I have ever had the pleasure, of meeting him, but I will put him on my Must meet List, in between
Fred Archer and Pol Pot, Alex will have to hope that my plan to shake hands with Fred and kick Pol Pot up the Bollox doesnt get mixed up by my dementia.

One thing I will agree with Alex about is the bewilderment, how a reader can find gold, if there had been any left after I sold my racecourse Pitches, my 2 sons would have had it all by now, I must admit I was a duffer at school. my teacher told me that I would starve unless I began to work harder at the three R,rs
I just wish he had been there when.
Raith, Ruffles and Ringating, all abliged @ 11/2 9/2 and 14/1.
,

Actually Alex,s kind words, have given me a little spur, to start rambling again. I aim to get an eye patch, last made famous by some Yidish Army Officer Moshe Dayan and Nelson, and see if I can bet in running again.

So from now on I will update my Blog at least 3 times a week. and see if there is some gold left in them there Hills. although I will change that to Done,s, as Hills have given me my ticket.

I take the opportunity, to thank Alex Hankin, and rellish the day when he is Editor, as Good Taste will win through in the end.

Cubone